So, I binged and purged last week. It was Thursday and it had been a hell of a week. I managed to overeat some throughout the week, but not binge. It felt like life came crashing down on my Thursday. Obviously, that's not [i]really[/i] what happened but it's how I perceived things. Friday, I had one small binge but a binge nonetheless. I felt very disconnected with myself and my body.
I find when I do disconnect with my body that I tell myself it is okay to binge. I spend days restricting because I don't 'deserve' to eat. Then my body feels numb and I just don't care what goes in it. I'm allergic to some of the things I ate during the last episode, but that didn't matter to me int he moment. I just wanted to feel something. My trigger foods allow me to feel something(until I lose myself in it and eat, but don't feel).
Life has calmed down some this week. Yes, some of my triggers are still there but I am slowly disconnecting from them. I am feeling more this week eventhough some of it hurts. I worry about a lot, some deep and some superficial. I worry about dying alone. I worry about my life having meaning to someone else who 'belongs' to me. I worry about how my body looks to me and others. I worry about how my skin looks. I worry if I am doing well enough at work. Typically, I would ignore or numb those feelings. It felt good to talk out the dying alone with my mom, even if I cried. I see now that it's okay.
I've been 'sober' for 4 days. Today is day 5. I have done well so far and plan to continue and complete day 5. I'm sleeping enough and eating enough. I'm exercising. I'm doing what I can at work and leaving the rest for later. I feel okay with this.
My friends want to go out this weekend. Weekends are usually big triggers for me. Too much free time, having to get dressed and go out in public, wondering and worrying if people are looking at me like I am strange. I'm working on removing those thoughts. I've also been nitpicking at my body in the mirror, so Im working on that as well.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
And so it goes...
Things have been going well. Food has been good, shockingly. I usually don't make it through the weekend without binging at least 2 days, but there were no binges at all. Today is day 9. I haven't seen day 9 in [i]ages[/i].
This weekend was an intersting one. It was super busy, which I knew would help me get through it. I have to say that it was probably too busy, but I managed okay. I actually had a really good time with a really good friend. I even went shopping and tried on clothes for the weekend without going insane. The last time I shopped at one of the stores I visited, I broke down and cried in the dressing room. No tears were shed and I actually bought 2 items. HOORAY!
I've been thinking lately about how recovery has a lot to do with refocusing. Food was my idol. I worshipped it tirelessly. Now I get why AA works for those committed to the program. Your god moves from being food/alcohol/drugs to a spiritual being. When we focus on a new, positive god then there is a shift in our behaviors. I find that I've been kinder to myself. I pick myself apart less. I do still judge my body(especially at the gym) but not nearly as much as I did in the past.
Recovery is proving to be a long process, but when I look at how I have progressed over the last 5 years I can see that I actually have made progress. I won't talk about what I used to do vs what I do now as I know it can be triggering, but I do know that I'm leaps and bounds better than before. When I get down, I need to remember that.
This weekend was an intersting one. It was super busy, which I knew would help me get through it. I have to say that it was probably too busy, but I managed okay. I actually had a really good time with a really good friend. I even went shopping and tried on clothes for the weekend without going insane. The last time I shopped at one of the stores I visited, I broke down and cried in the dressing room. No tears were shed and I actually bought 2 items. HOORAY!
I've been thinking lately about how recovery has a lot to do with refocusing. Food was my idol. I worshipped it tirelessly. Now I get why AA works for those committed to the program. Your god moves from being food/alcohol/drugs to a spiritual being. When we focus on a new, positive god then there is a shift in our behaviors. I find that I've been kinder to myself. I pick myself apart less. I do still judge my body(especially at the gym) but not nearly as much as I did in the past.
Recovery is proving to be a long process, but when I look at how I have progressed over the last 5 years I can see that I actually have made progress. I won't talk about what I used to do vs what I do now as I know it can be triggering, but I do know that I'm leaps and bounds better than before. When I get down, I need to remember that.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Aftermath
I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my binge on Sunday. Today, I was crazy bloated among other things. It was probably the worst that I've felt all week. Hopefully, my body will be closer to normal tomorrow. I've had some urges to get off track, but I managed not to do so.
A male associate of mine felt compelled to comment on my body today. I've gained some weight, so I look fuller and curvier than I have in the recent past. It's not natural for me, so I'd really like to get back to a natural body. He suggested that I not do that. I realize he didn't mean any ill when he said it and it has everything to do with his preferences, but it was completely inappropriate.
Food:
Breakfast - peaches, banana, soymilk, almonds, sunflower seeds
Lunch - Black eyed peas, kale, mushrooms, olive oil, apple, pear
Dinner - gigantic salad with tons of veggies, chickpeas, butternut squash, and homemade dressing, grapefruit
And sipping my nightly tea now!
Activity:
20 minutes fartleks
15 minutes stepmill
Mood:
Pretty good. The mentioned associate didn't bug me much. It felt good to stand up for myself. I also had some success shopping for a dress to wear out this weekend. WIN!
A male associate of mine felt compelled to comment on my body today. I've gained some weight, so I look fuller and curvier than I have in the recent past. It's not natural for me, so I'd really like to get back to a natural body. He suggested that I not do that. I realize he didn't mean any ill when he said it and it has everything to do with his preferences, but it was completely inappropriate.
Food:
Breakfast - peaches, banana, soymilk, almonds, sunflower seeds
Lunch - Black eyed peas, kale, mushrooms, olive oil, apple, pear
Dinner - gigantic salad with tons of veggies, chickpeas, butternut squash, and homemade dressing, grapefruit
And sipping my nightly tea now!
Activity:
20 minutes fartleks
15 minutes stepmill
Mood:
Pretty good. The mentioned associate didn't bug me much. It felt good to stand up for myself. I also had some success shopping for a dress to wear out this weekend. WIN!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
YES!
I finished my big project at work! It had me slogging all weekend trying to work to have it finished, but good news today that we are ready to communicate it's completion. I just might have a life this weekend. It's my friend's birthday, so I really hope I don't have to work and can hang out.
I peed all night long night before last and today I was bloated. This is normal for the second day after a binge. It amazes me that I can't remember how terrible I feel after I binge and still go through with it.
Today was good. The knowledge that work would let up a bit was helpful. All's well that end's well, right?
Food:
Breakfast - peaches, banana, soymilk, almonds, sunflower seeds
Lunch - Lemony chickpea and lentil soup with zuchinni, cabbage and carrot slaw, olive oil, pear
Dinner - Baked tofu, sesame sauce, broccoli, brown rice, banana, grapefruit
I've got ginger chammomile tea ready to go for the night.
Activity:
1 hour 'light' weights
10 minutes stepmill cardio
Mood
GREAT!
I peed all night long night before last and today I was bloated. This is normal for the second day after a binge. It amazes me that I can't remember how terrible I feel after I binge and still go through with it.
Today was good. The knowledge that work would let up a bit was helpful. All's well that end's well, right?
Food:
Breakfast - peaches, banana, soymilk, almonds, sunflower seeds
Lunch - Lemony chickpea and lentil soup with zuchinni, cabbage and carrot slaw, olive oil, pear
Dinner - Baked tofu, sesame sauce, broccoli, brown rice, banana, grapefruit
I've got ginger chammomile tea ready to go for the night.
Activity:
1 hour 'light' weights
10 minutes stepmill cardio
Mood
GREAT!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Logging
Today was good. Work had the potential to make things not so hot, but I managed. Typically, I don't binge the day after a binge. That's probably part of it. The key for me is going to be not binging starting Friday.
Food:
Breakfast - peaches, berries, soymilk, almonds, sunflower seeds
Lunch - black eyed peas, collard greens, mushrooms, olive oil, apple
Dinner - chickpeas, salad, butternut squash, tahini dressing, salad dressing, banana, apple
I have tea brewing for something to sip on. This tends to soothe me and help me not obsess.
Activity:
1 hour heavy weights
10 minutes stepmill cardio
Mood:
Good! Work was a bit frustrating, but I made it. I feel good now.
Food:
Breakfast - peaches, berries, soymilk, almonds, sunflower seeds
Lunch - black eyed peas, collard greens, mushrooms, olive oil, apple
Dinner - chickpeas, salad, butternut squash, tahini dressing, salad dressing, banana, apple
I have tea brewing for something to sip on. This tends to soothe me and help me not obsess.
Activity:
1 hour heavy weights
10 minutes stepmill cardio
Mood:
Good! Work was a bit frustrating, but I made it. I feel good now.
Starting Anew
I am a food addict.
That was hard to admit, but I know it's time. I'm nearly 30 and have been fighting some sort of disordered eating for approximately 13 years. It's exhausting and I'm very, very tired of it. I'm ready to fight. For once, I have a plan that I know I can stick to and want to stick to for life.
My typical coping mechanism is to eat. When I eat, I feel numb. I can't see clearly and I hear buzzing in my ears. It helps me to temporarily forget what hurts and 'helps' numb the pain. Unfortunately, there are downsides to this. I need to deal with the hurt and I need not eat to ignore it. I've tried reading, but I need to do something active in order to interrupt the binge thoughts. Rather than eat, I have decided I will do 2 things:
- knit
- walk
A word about knitting - I am a stone cold beginner and have no idea what I am doing, so the learning curve is huge. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, but I'll have to give it a try.
In order to 'fix' my eating, I will follow a combination of the Food Addict's Food Pan and Eat to Live. Because I am active, I am allowing myself a bit of leeway with food. ETL is not enough for my activity level and I don't want to limit myself too much because that only leads to disaster. I'm planning 3 meals and 2 optional snacks per day. Therefore, food will be:
- unlimited fruit per meal
- unlimited veggies per meal
- 1 cup of beans per meal
- ~ 1 tsp of oil or 20 g of nuts per meal
- 1 cup of soymilk per meal
- 1 cup of rice/potatoes/winter squash per meal
I will admit here when I've strayed. I need to be honest with myself when I have allowed food to rule me. I will also be posting what I've eaten for the day. Again, accountability is required.
I'm ready!
That was hard to admit, but I know it's time. I'm nearly 30 and have been fighting some sort of disordered eating for approximately 13 years. It's exhausting and I'm very, very tired of it. I'm ready to fight. For once, I have a plan that I know I can stick to and want to stick to for life.
My typical coping mechanism is to eat. When I eat, I feel numb. I can't see clearly and I hear buzzing in my ears. It helps me to temporarily forget what hurts and 'helps' numb the pain. Unfortunately, there are downsides to this. I need to deal with the hurt and I need not eat to ignore it. I've tried reading, but I need to do something active in order to interrupt the binge thoughts. Rather than eat, I have decided I will do 2 things:
- knit
- walk
A word about knitting - I am a stone cold beginner and have no idea what I am doing, so the learning curve is huge. This could be a good thing or a bad thing, but I'll have to give it a try.
In order to 'fix' my eating, I will follow a combination of the Food Addict's Food Pan and Eat to Live. Because I am active, I am allowing myself a bit of leeway with food. ETL is not enough for my activity level and I don't want to limit myself too much because that only leads to disaster. I'm planning 3 meals and 2 optional snacks per day. Therefore, food will be:
- unlimited fruit per meal
- unlimited veggies per meal
- 1 cup of beans per meal
- ~ 1 tsp of oil or 20 g of nuts per meal
- 1 cup of soymilk per meal
- 1 cup of rice/potatoes/winter squash per meal
I will admit here when I've strayed. I need to be honest with myself when I have allowed food to rule me. I will also be posting what I've eaten for the day. Again, accountability is required.
I'm ready!
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